I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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