Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
