Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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