Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
