My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
