Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
