the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
