matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
