Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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