I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
