i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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