I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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