I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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