Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
