Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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