tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize