Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
