i just had sex bonerless
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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