Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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