I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I got her a Nickelback box set.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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