I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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