i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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