I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
