remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Randomize
