I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We left the knife in your bed.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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