I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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