I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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