Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
