Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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