I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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