don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
