is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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