i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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