So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
