some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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