So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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