Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
