How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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