Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
