we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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