i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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