Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
