The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
it's great music for shaving your balls
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
