wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
