I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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