White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
