Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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