Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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