Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
