you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
