You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
