There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
