apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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