Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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