i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
