Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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