i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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