Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
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