I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
