we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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